*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
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Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Hmm, not sure about this change
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.