Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
You Might Also Like
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I can’t stop watching this.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU