What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
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*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”