English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
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🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Fat chances are my favorite chances
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then