Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
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[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”