[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
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Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.