*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
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Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank