My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
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*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.