I’ve named my couch American Idle.
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waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
The French word for sex is croissant.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
How I like cutting carbs
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it