[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
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I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Accurate