that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
You Might Also Like
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?