I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
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The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!