My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
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Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.