“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
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Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
I got bills
They’re multiplying
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes