Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
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Do one person every day that scares you.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill