Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
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“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Risking my life for fun.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here