I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
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My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.