Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
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I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
me linking you to my twitter
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”