Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
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Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
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Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.