[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
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Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice