[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
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[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
u spoke cat all this time??????
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.