Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
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People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
The news is so predictable nowadays
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
asking santa clause for nudes
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”