Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
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I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)