Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
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ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50