It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
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When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
#SuperBowl
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
when mom throws a party…
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer