*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
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You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.