I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
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The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.