I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
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[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
*aggressively waits in line*
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!