Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
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men’s fashion peaked in 1838
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.