I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
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Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer