4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
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ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
everywhere a sign. ⚠️