Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
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Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Did a trash talking tree write this?
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”