Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
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Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
This 4th of July, please remember…
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy