Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
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One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
incredible book dedication
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.