all bases covered
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the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”