I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
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At least my masseuse has my back.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.