My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
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saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Every haunted house movie:
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.