court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
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Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic