A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
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Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Y’all know who you are.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%