You’re the unreachable booger of people.
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It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.