Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
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[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
The pen is writier than the sword.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party