Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
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Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?