modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
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My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.