For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
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ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever