“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
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Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Air pods looking like an angry frog
I think I’ll stand