Alexa; make it look like an accident
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My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
What fresh Hell is this?!?
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
this could fix me
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes