The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
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“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
figuring out my emotional availability:
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
This was the best day of my life
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.