Effort made
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I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
There are no pants in heaven.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn鈥檛 kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn鈥檛 exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy鈥檚 manager: you are very fired
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what鈥檚 the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
what i mean when i say i鈥檓 rolling myself a fat one
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there鈥檚 a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it鈥檚 improbable
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Ffs laughed out loud 馃槀
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it鈥檚 kind of a lawn story
I鈥檓 really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn鈥檛 even put out any good songs
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.