HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
You Might Also Like
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
You know I’m something of a chef myself
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*