Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
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Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.